The Cena Conundrum

Hustle, Loyalty, Disrespect

John Cena the human being seems like a cool guy.

I have no inside knowledge of this, as I’ve never met John Cena and, barring extremely improbable circumstances, never will.  I’m basing my opinion off of his collective body of work.  Interviews, charity work, and interactions with his fans have all led me to believe that John Cena is a pretty remarkable human being.  And I’m not alone.  He has over 5 million fans on Facebook, almost half a million twitter followers, and he is the face of World Wrestling Entertainment.

Yet despite a positive attitude, impressive physique, and exceptional charisma, he struggles to win the approval of the fans he adores so much.  In two weeks, he’ll participate in the 27^th annual Wrestlemania emanating from Atlanta Georgia.  It will be his 7^th straight year in the main even, and his 6^th straight year of either getting a mixed reaction, or being booed out of the building outright.

My question is why.  Why do men hate John Cena so much? Theories are presented constantly, from his refusal to return to a widely popular rapping gimmick, to being involved in a storyline that kept popular performer Chris Jericho out of the WWE for two years.  He isn’t funny, he isn’t serious, he isn’t this, he isn’t that.  There is a lot of talk of what John Cena isn’t, but that isn’t the problem.  The problem is what John Cena is.

John Cena is wrestling like a heel.

Come get some…sympathy

Ever wonder why the good guys never go for the appendages? Or why the bad guy never limps to the ring, bandaged 20 ways to Sunday, hoping to gut it through his match? Why is it that every bad guy injury ends up working to his advantage, like Cowboy Bob Orton using a cast on his arm to knock out opponents during mid 80’s?   

These things don’t happen because the fans want to see the bad guys beat up, they don’t want to see the bad guys in pain.

We buy our tickets to see the good guys give the bad guys what they deserve, but if you watch him limp around on a bad knee for long enough, or favor that arm that was slammed into the steel steps, you can’t help but sympathize with him on some level.  Bad guys don’t get hurt because they’re not supposed to get your sympathy.  They get beat up, embarrassed, humiliated, and sent running with their tail between their legs.  The sympathy is reserved for the good guys.  The good guys are supposed to be in constant peril, hanging on for dear life against the relentless assault of their cheating/lying/coward opponent.  The good guy is supposed to dig deep and, with the deck stacked against him and preferably with a broken arm or two, vanquish the despicable villain after a glorious and crowd inspired comeback.

 But it’s hard to make a comeback if you haven’t been anywhere.  This isn’t a knock on the fact that Cena’s wins all the time.  Hulk Hogan, for all intents and purposes, lost one match between 1984-1990 and remained just as popular as ever.  He did this through his connection with the crowd who truly believed that THIS bad guy was the one who was going to stop Hulkamania.  The Hulkster had done it before, but this guy was too big, too strong, too much to overcome, and when he did the crowd ate it up.  This formula worked for so long because Hogan made it work.  Hogan made it look like every time he stepped in the ring he was being beaten to death.

With Cena, that belief is absent.  And with the absence of the perception of physical danger, or serious injury, then what is the point of cheering for him to make a comeback? John Cena is making it difficult to focus on the pageantry and spectacle of his matches because more times than not, he cannot perform the very important task of suspending the disbelief of his audience.

You can’t see me…selling.

At SummerSlam 2010, one of the WWE’s most important pay per views of the year, John Cena led a dream team of wrestlers into the main event to take on an invading group of upstarts known as The Nexus.  It was arguably the most anticipated SummerSlam main event in 5 years.

The match was back and forth, with both sides having the advantage.  The end of the match saw Cena alone against two Nexus members, leader Wade Barrett and Justin Gabriel.  Two on one domination ensued with the exclamation point being Barrett performing a DDT, a maneuver where you are dropped on the top of your head, to Cena on the concrete floor.

For reference sake, the only other time of note I can remember a DDT being delivered on the concrete floor was between Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts and Ricky ‘The Dragon’ Steamboat in 1986.  Steamboat was knocked out, received a concussion, and was out of action for months.  So when the same thing happened to Cena, two thoughts immediately crossed my mind.  1) Nexus is winning this match and 2) I remember what happened to Steamboat, I hope John Cena is ok. 

Sympathy.

So Cena, presumably unconscious and probably concussed, is rolled into the ring.  Justin Gabriel attempts a move from the top rope but Cena moves at the last second and pins him.  Within 30 seconds, Cena has Wade Barrett submitting in the middle of the ring to seal the victory.

Regardless of who decided the move should be included, the message delivered by the last minutes of SummerSlam was crystal clear.  A recently unconscious and concussed John Cena, standing in the middle of the ring smiling his million watt smile, didn't look like he had just survived a 30 minute war for his life.  He looked as if he had just finished an intense workout where at no point his skull was smacked against a concrete floor.

Sympathy gone.

Five star knuckle shuffle

No disrespect to the incredible matches that he had with Shawn Michaels later in the year, but John Cena’s Last Man Standing match at the 2007 Royal Rumble against the Samoan Bulldozer Umaga is the best match of his career.

A week before Cena had been squashed, literally, when Umaga jumped off the top rope and sent both men crashing through a table.  Cena was said to have a bruised spleen, and came to the ring with his abdomen heavily taped.  What followed over the next 23 minutes was Cena trying to survive an ass-beating while every move in his arsenal was compromised because of his injury.  Cena found a way to win that match, and it felt miraculous.  It felt like we had survived a war with John Cena, and we were all different because of it.  You could see it on his face.  He was happy to make it out alive.

I thought it was a turning point in his career.  Then, a couple months later during Wrestlemania 23, after Shawn Michaels had been working his arm for a good portion of the match, Cena made a comeback with his appendage miraculously healed.  Reports afterward were that Michaels, regarded as the greatest of all time, was very disappointed post match.  He wasn’t the only one.

Attitude adjustment

Thanks to my strikingly small frame, limited athletic ability, and strong aversion to repeatedly inflicting pain on myself, I’ll never be a WWE Superstar.  And thanks to…well writing this, I’ll probably never get any kind of office job with World Wrestling Entertainment.  This isn't angry ranting for attentions sake, but a genuine effort to help explain why one of the most valuable commodities in WWE history is not being used up to his potential.

To his credit, Cena takes all the booing in stride, knowing that any reaction is better than silence.  The problem is that this reaction stems from something that exists at the core of John Cena the person.  A man who makes you believe with his jokes and care free attitude that he is personally above fighting but still capable of kicking ass.  John Cena is a man you bring to break up a fight, not a man you go to war with.

Still, isn’t that enough? Aren’t we supposed to prepare ourselves for conflict, but only engage if absolutely necessary?  He is someone that I would encourage my children to root for, because he lives his life prepared physically for a fight that he only resorts to as a last option.  I feel there is room for that side of Cena to come out, instead of coming across looking and sounding like a goofy aloof pacifist.

The conviction of his words is evident, but the direction is off target.  John Cena deserves his stadium sized Wrestlemania pop.  The problem is, as the last 6 years have shown us, he may never get it.

Timpossible Interview

Today our very own Alexys David sits down with the first announced signee of YOUR Online Wrestling Nation.  Timpossible shares his thoughts on wrestling with pianos and joining the Online Wrestling Nation.

Alexys David:  We're here with OWN's first announced signee Timpossible.  Thanks for joining us.

Timpossible: Hey, it’s my pleasure. Really!

AD: You've wrestled all over the world, from bingo halls to sold out arenas.  What made you decide to try your hand at here at the Online Wrestling Nation?

TP: Well I first heard about this starting up through some buddies in the business, and it sounded interesting, being able to be a part of something new, getting it off the ground.  

AD: Is there any pressure or trepidation knowing you have to qualify against a yet unknown opponent?

TP: Well there are always questions when facing the unknown, but I know what I’m capable of.  I thrive in these situations throughout my career. I’m looking forward to it!

AD: You've had to deal with people questioning your size throughout your career.  How do you respond to criticism that you aren’t big enough to compete with heavyweights?

TP: Well ya know, size isn’t everything.  Wrestling is a thinking mans game.  To succeed in this business brawn is good, but not everything.  The ring is a place where creativity truly pays off, and I think anyone who watches knows that.

AD: Absolutely.  I don't think I've come across a person yet who doesn't know about the match you wrestled on a cruise ship where you pinned that guy with a piano.  Was that planned or were you thinking in advance...find the Steinway??

TP: ::Laughs:: No that was completely on the fly. During the match we ended up in the lounge area of the ship, and we saw the piano at the same time and both had the same twinkle in our eye. When you have a chance to throw a dude through a piano, you gotta take it! I’ve always supported the arts.

AD: Well Timpossible, we certainly look forward to seeing you in action, and good luck in your qualifying match!

TP: Thanks for having me.

Online Wrestling Nation (1 of 32)

YOUR Online Wrestling Nation is proud to present it's first of 32 signed wrestlers...

Come back tomorrow for an exclusive interview!

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Richard Eter: Call Me Richard

Richard Eter is a part time contributer for this website and full time game designer.  His games Fuck Quest and Fuck Quest 2, Romancing the Bone, have been downloaded over 2 million times.  Follow him on twitter @rich_eter or visit his YouTube page.
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The question I most often DON'T receive these days is, "What's up with Fuck Quest?". That could be simply because I haven't checked the e-mail address in some time that such a question would be sent to, but it's more likely because no one has asked it in a while. I'm not gonna say it was never asked, but it certainly was never asked often. If you haven't heard of Fuck Quest, I wouldn't be surprised. If you have heard of it, I wouldn't be surprised either.

Today, on the Simple Times Blog site, I will answer the question of what is up with Fuck Quest, but first, let me begin with some history.

Why would I post such a thing on the Simple Times blog? Does the Simple Times have anything to do with Fuck Quest? Yes and no. It does in that the Simple Times was and is written by my number one fan, Squeaky... and through the years, as much as any muse I may have had, he has inspired me to keep up the race. I also imagine that Fuck Quest in many ways became part of his psyche as he wrote the stories of the Simple Times. But, it's also a sort of crossing of art, not literally, but perhaps spiritually. As he partook of Fuck Quest, he wrote. As I created Fuck Quest, I read his writings. So, it would make sense that I would land her to now post my blogs... sharing my ideas an art on the same forum as a kindred spirit.

You may now being asking, who am I? I have often asked myself the same question. Who is Rich Eter? I've honestly never even figured out how Eter should be pronounced... I once thought Eter like rhyming with "Sweater", but the assumption has been pronounced like "Eater" as in Dick Eater... so, I've mostly gone with that... but I would never want to be called Dick... I like Rich or Richard. And the only dick eater around here is the chicks I may take to bed with me... maybe not even them in some cases. My name did begin as a joke... I didn't even invent it. Why should I have? Most people's names were given to them by someone else... usually their parents. My name was given to me by the person who set up my first forum account at the old AGI Message Board back in 1998. He may as well have called me Ash Hole or Bass Tard. Well... I am Rich Eter... and it's a name I'm fond of... even if I've only ever used it in the digital world.

With the invention of me back in 1998, also game the invention of Fuck Quest. It was a game created using AGI, the Adventure Game Interpreter. Many of the games made in AGI featured names ending in "Quest"... and I wanted to make an offensive game, so I picked the most offensive and yet simple word to put in front of it... this was the word "Fuck", and the game was made to make fun of all the failed efforts of other game makers. It was meant to be offensive. It was meant to be cruel to those who annoyed me with their blatant rip off games. It was meant to be the first ever completed fan game made in AGI; it was meant to be made quickly. And it was meant to be a joke. It was all these things, but it became a lot more.

Having the word "fuck" in the title, it only followed for me that the game should also contain fucking. Well, to make the game as offensive as I could, I made these fucking scenes in the game as realistic and offensive as I could. Well, this turned out to perhaps be a stroke of genius for it ended up making the game into a porno.

The game was everything I wanted to be. And, somehow, perhaps just based on the title... it took off. It was not well reviewed... in fact, just about everyone hated it. But, it was like a trainwreck... people just felt compelled to download it and play it through. Nevertheless, despite the fact that the only place I initially ever posted it was on the AGI forum, it made its way across the internet posted on all sorts of sites... and over the years received millions of downloads. It has even seen hackers translate it into different languages. It even found its way in 2004 into a magazine as number 40 out of 50 of the most controversial games of all time. All along, it was poorly reviewed. Still, there was a small number of people who actually saw the real humor in it... saw what I was trying to do. These were yes, people like Squeaky.

Fuck Quest took me approximately four days to make. And it shows. Because of its "success", I decided a sequel was in order. I started making a sequel only days after the first game was released. A few months later, at the end of 1998, I released a teaser that was unplayable but already featured better graphics and a more intricate story than the original Fuck Quest game. Fuck Quest 2 did not take a simple four days to make. I worked on it on and off for about six years. It was many times over more complex than the original, even if people didn't recognize that. I released it in December 2004. It had a lot more sex, a lot more paths you could take, and a much richer storyline... haha Rich..er. It even had a cliffhanger ending for the ill-fated Fuck Quest 3. Fuck Quest 2 never got the coverage of the original game, or the downloads, but where it did, it was much better reviewed, and people really seemed to like it.

Fuck Quest 3, as a game does not to this day over 6 years after the release of the last one exist. I started making plans to make it even before FQ2 was released, hence the cliffhanger ending. Because of what AGDI had done with their King's Quest 2 remake, I decided to use the AGS system for Fuck Quest 3 just like they had. I designed the system, did some programming. By spring of 2005, I had worked out the entire system it was gonna work with. I had drawn and coded the basic infrastructure of the game. Basically, then, I just needed to write the story, create the graphics and program the content. Easier said than done? No doubt!

It was around that time I broke up with my girlfriend. Towards the end of FQ2, she had been a muse, and a huge supporter. I gave up it for a while.

Time passed...

Then came the summer of 2006. Infamous Adventures had just released their version of King's Quest III and I was inspired again. And reading the Simple Times, I decided to do something I considered at the time much simpler... instead of moving forward with Fuck Quest 3, for which I had no idea of what to do with the story, I decided to remake Fuck Quest 1 in AGS. I even went so far to screen grab the graphics from the AGI Fuck Quest 1 and just draw over them... but this was crappy, and I actually wanted to make a game that rival the graphics that ADGI and IA had made in their King's Quest remakes. It was in August 2006 that officially began the AGS remake of Fuck Quest 1 and with all new graphics. I simply built off the system I had designed for Fuck Quest 3 and went with that.

It was also this time, specifically August 2006 that I met a new girlfriend. As I worked on the Fuck Quest 1 remake, hand drawing scenes, coloring the graphics on the computer, drawing all new amazing sprites, that I really began to fall for this girl. You could say she became my muse. I decided to expand on Fuck Quest 1... take the basic storyline, which was almost none existant... I even had the concept of tying it into the story of Fuck Quest 2... and leaving even more possibilities open for FQ3. I thought when I was done, I would move on to FQ3... and if anyone else wanted to redo FQ2 in AGS, I would let them. My girlfriend continued to inspire me. She was as amazing sexually as she was intellectually. A fantastic muse.

So, I worked on FQ1 remake vigorously at times... less so other times. It was a period of great excitement. I added tons of sex scenes not originally there. I took background characters and completely fleshed them out. I added all new characters. The game was to be amazing... It was basically gonna be the best Fuck Quest game yet... as pleasing as Fuck Quest 3 would've been... a spiritual placeholder for Fuck Quest 3 until I could be bothered to finally get around to making that!

And then what happened? I can vividly remember the last time I worked on Fuck Quest 1 remake... it was in March 2009. It was around the same time that things really began to sour with that girlfriend of mine at the time. I won't go into the details of what happened with her here and now... but I pretty much lost her that month... and the following months were just a relationship decay bringing us to a point that we were no longer dating, and no longer even talking. She was officially an ex-girlfriend. I had lost my muse. I was absolutely heart-broken. And even now, in many ways still am... but can't really do much about it as far as she is concerned. The horse is still waiting for me to mount her again.

I shouldn't really blame losing my muse on the loss of interest in making Fuck Quest. That was a part of it, but maybe I was also tired of it. Needed a break. Alongside making Fuck Quest 1, I had agreed to work with IA on their remake of Space Quest 2. I probably put as much time into that game as FQ1, but somehow working concurrently, I wasn't originally running out of steam. But by 2009, I was just tired. I lost so much interest in making games at all, or even really being creative at all. So much was wrong. 2010 didn't fair much better.

And that brings us to today... in March of 2011... when it has been literally two years since I even touched FQ1. Will I work on FQ1 again? I would sure hope so. I know a lot of people would like it... especially my true fans like Squeaky. I know I've been creative a lot more lately... doing writing, drawing, even shooting movies under my other less alias name... (you know the one my parents gave me... not just a friend of mine). So... perhaps, FQ1 will continue on again. Perhaps I need a new muse? Perhaps I just need some inspiration from fans. Maybe just a creative spark? Who knows. Let's just see what happens.

I plan on continuing writing blogs here on this Simple Times blog... probably mostly having nothing to do with Fuck Quest, but maybe sometimes. But certainly a lot to do with creativity and neato ideas and just crazy stuff.

Let's just see what pours out, folks. Let's hope for more Simple Times... just like it used to be.

-Richard

Missing MySpace

While singing the KT Tunstall song, ‘Other Side of the World’ to myself for the 300^th time yesterday, a long dormant slow twitch response in my brain activated.

“I should make this my MySpace profile song!” I exclaimed before realizing .4 seconds later what year it was.

Author and former professional basketball player Paul Shirley wrote this about MySpace in 2009.

“Sadly, myspace is a shell of its former self.  It has become the abandoned freighter spaceship from Alien – dark, kind of scary, and with only a few humans left to clank around among the robots and extraterrestrials.”

For all intents and purposes, despite a site redesign, a logo redesign, and a directional shift that egregiously rips off…well Facebook, MySpace was defeated in the social network wars all the way back in 2008.

Still, I miss it.

I don’t miss the 10,000 friend request from bands or porno stars (well I miss those sometimes), the spam messages, or the absolute lunacy of any drama involving the people in my ‘Top 8’ along with the order which they were placed.

I miss the freedom.  MySpace and its cataclysmic failure paints a disturbing portrait about our society and how it handles said freedom.

I resisted Facebook for as long as I could, and to this day I still have no idea what to do with it.  I understand its appeal for seeing pictures and the occasionally interesting musings of friends, but I cannot imagine a circumstance, other than being stuck at work, that would keep me on this website for an extended period of time.

People vex me with stories of spending all day on Facebook, assuming it’s perfectly normal.

Facebook is our prison.  Our immaculately decorated, cable TV laden, college course offering, daily group therapy and psychologist visiting, touting 7 years since our last gang rape…PRISON.

Our personal 30 acres, a utopia of creativity and expression, MySpace should have won.  Writing blogs viewable to the masses, customizing your pages with dizzying and unique possibilities, it truly was YOUR SPACE on the web to do what you wished. 

Facebook is our apartment.  It is our space to hang pictures, and keep videos, and bring our friends over for parties.  But we can’t knock down the walls.  We can’t change the fundamental design of our cell.  We can’t hide the fact that we are living in a 10x10 square, no matter how many amusing games come along that make our work day go by that much faster.

MySpace failed because we, as a people, failed.  We had the power to embrace our freedom and creativity, giving it all up for the perception of privacy and security.  “Less sketchy people are on Facebook!” was the battle cry.  Apparently the largest social network site in the world was brought to its knees because several million people couldn’t figure out how to set their profile to PRIVATE, whereas Facebook had the foresight to make it their default setting.

And that makes me sad.  MySpace should have won, yet here we are.

Stuck in a world where people will bleed a proverbial MySpace dry, whether it be a social networking site, or a person, or a job, or anything that they can manipulate, just because they have the freedom to do it. 

MySpace is the depressing reminder that if given enough rope, we will hang ourselves. 

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