Re-Booked Wrestling, Michael Cole vs. Jerry Lawler: Wrestlemania 27

Direct TV’s signal died during Wrestlemania 27 right as Jerry Lawler was pulling Michael Cole’s face into Plexiglas, contorting it hilariously.  Several wrestling fans, who are always known for their composure and sophistication, inquired about the nature of the problem and when it would be resolved.

“Where the F**K did Wrestlemania go?”

“Are you f**king kidding me?”

“We should get a free round, this is bulls**t!”

“I’m watching this just to see Cole get his ass kicked, don’t f**king do this to me!”

“Free beer! Free beer! Free beer! Free beer!”

A gentleman there for another reason, the basketball game perhaps, informed the bloodthirsty mob that amidst their quandary existed a silver lining.

“You guys are queers for liking Wrestling anyway! Who cares? Don’t you know it’s all fake?”

…he was never seen again.

The signal returned right as Michael Cole had Jerry Lawler trapped in the dreaded and recently coined “An-Cole-Lock”.  Lawler rallied for the victory, had it overturned by an anonymous general manager doing his best Wizard of Oz impression, and then Steve Austin proceeded to give a stunner to every fan in attendance.

No wonder the show was tight on time.

On my second viewing, I realized how lucky I was to have the match cut out when it did.  I missed some truly awful “Cole-fense”.  The match, and everything that followed it, was universally panned by the people in attendance, and by viewers at home who own a computer and use it to comment on wrestling anonymously through the internet.

How could I, and so many others, go from wanting to see Cole beaten so badly to not caring in such a short amount of time?  This was supposed to be one of the big payoffs of Wrestlemania.  Cole has been running his mouth for the better part of a year and finally, someone was going to shut him up.  What happened?

With that in mind I’m going to introduce a new reoccurring theme, or a one time concept if it totally bombs, called Re-Booked Wrestling.  I’ll analyze what I thought the match should have accomplished, and then recreate it visually using those guidelines.  So it is with great pleasure I present you with Jerry Lawler vs. Michael Cole at Wrestlemania 27, the right way.

What this match Needs to Accomplish

1) Cole needs to get beat up, shut up, and embarrassed in front of 71,000 people.  He cannot however be crippled because WWE wants to wrongly keep this angle going through Extreme Rules.

2) The fact that Cole is an announcer who can’t wrestle, and Jerry Lawler is a 61 year old man with 3 moves needs to be covered by Swagger, Stone Cold, and a lot of stalling/coward/comedy spots.

3) Jack Swagger needs to be the star of this match.  Of all the participants, Swagger is the only active competitor, so the only one with something to gain.  Stone Cold is hosting his own reality show, Lawler and Cole are announcers.  Swagger has to come out of this match looking better than he did coming in.

We start the match introducing Booker T to do commentary with Josh Matthews.  I toyed with Booker and Josh doing the whole show up to this point, but you need Cole and Lawler out there because you need the Cole Mine out there for this match, and for HHH vs. Taker.

Cole comes out and does his perfect trash talking rant.  

Cole introduces his trainer Jack Swagger.  

Swagger comes out, and is interrupted mid-pushup by...

STONE COLD! Comes out on the RV, nearly runs over Swagger, chases Cole into the Cole Mine.

Lawler comes out, looking like a million bucks.  

The bell rings, but Cole does his stalling calisthenics in the Cole Mine.

Jerry comes out of the ring to get Cole.  Swagger stops Lawler, but his overconfidence gets the better of him as Lawler ducks a clothesline and Swagger hits the ring post, taking him out.

Cole understanding that he's in trouble, begs Lawler to be sensible.  Cole begging and pleading will be a reoccurring theme for this match, much more than in the original.

Lawler seemingly forgives Cole...

...only to turn on him, hilariously slamming his face into the Plexiglas.  This was the only real lasting image from the first match, and that's a problem considering some people bought the show just to see Cole get beat up.    

Lawler climbs into the Cole Mine, but Cole escapes and runs to the ring and distracts Stone Cold  with a pretend injury while Swagger recovers and attacks Lawler from behind.

Swagger continues the assault on the outside, no ankle lock though.  Stone Cold being easily distracted by Cole starts his award winning performance tonight as 'Worst Referee Ever'.

A beaten Lawler is rolled into the ring.  Cole, smelling blood, goes for a Swagger bomb, ultimately getting scared and trying it from the first turnbuckle.  Lawler moves and Cole goes crashing to the mat.

Cole crawls to the corner, as Lawler approaches, ready to administer some damage, but Swagger throws in the towel.  Stone Cold doesn't accept it, remember worst referee ever (WRE), and Swagger comes in to argue his point.  The crowd is on its feet, anticipating the...

CLOTHESLINE FROM SWAGGER! Wait, the what? 

Swagger then puts Stone Cold in the ankle lock.  You're damn right he does.  This is his big move, and locking it on a legend like Stone Cold immediately makes him legitimate.  

This presents an opportunity for Cole to put the An-Cole lock on Lawler.  Desperate times, until some familiar music hits...  

My god it's...good ol' JR, Jim Ross! And he's not alone...he's got...

EVE TORRES! Wait...Eve Torres? Yes Eve Torres.  Josh Matthews will expertly point out that Eve must be here to stand up for the Divas that Cole has made a point of picking on for the last couple of months.  So no, I didn't put Eve into this match just as an excuse to draw a picture of her in a skimpy outfit, no matter what my wife thinks.  If I wanted to do that, I would have picked much more revealing clothing.

Like this.

Swagger and Cole release their respective submission holds and stand in the ring less than intimidated at the imposing force walking down the aisle to stop them.  Swagger really plays up his 'fear'.  Jim Ross and Eve have big smiles on their face as the crowd begins to pop.  Swagger is confused...

...and eats a stunner! (WRE)

Jim Ross takes off his jacket, ready to fight.  Cole begs for mercy again.  Remember, to this point, Cole hasn't really been HIT yet, so the crowd is really waiting for it.

And Eve delivers with a well placed kick to the nuts of Cole.  Say what you will about nut shots being overused, and they are, but in this situation it fits.  It hurts and emasculates Cole at the same time.

Afterwards, in my favorite spot of the match, JR and Lawler put Cole into a simultaneous ankle lock.  This replays the funny spot of Cole tapping out instantly, but Stone Cold ignoring him.  Stone Cold does not let them ring the bell.  (WRE)

Eventually, Austin makes Lawler and JR break the hold and he helps a hobbled and hurt Cole to his feet.  Cole begs forgiveness, apologizing for Swagger, asking Austin to stop the match.  Austin agrees, and helps Cole to his feet...

...then gives him stunner (WRE).  Of COURSE he does.  When Stone Cold was announced as the referee, you thought that Cole was getting a stunner right? He had to get a stunner.  Not getting one was one of the biggest oversights from the first match, and I'm happy to remedy it here.

Lawler takes down the strap, drops the fist, and gets the three count.

Swagger carries Cole's lifeless body from the ring in true Herculean fashion.

Lawler and Austin celebrate in the ring.  The decision doesn't get reversed until the next night on Raw.  Josh Matthews doesn't eat a stunner, Booker T doesn't eat a stunner.  Cole took a realistic beating.  Swagger looks like a legit star who got stopped by a stunner.  Eve got revenge.  JR and Lawler finish the show on commentary.

And the whole thing takes 10 minutes, tops.

Squeaky is everywhere, but you should follow him on Twitter, because that's where he posts links to all his absurdity.